Wednesday, February 26, 2014

today's query

If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?

Mine would be blogging.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

I get hate mail

This morning I received the following garbagetribe in my email box in response to my brilliant post about hate blogs.
Hi, Judith, I read you're post, "Bah your hate blogs" this morning and really appreciated it. I wish though that I never had to hear the phrase, "Sorry, I'm not fucking perfect." I lost my dad recently, and this is something he used to say all the time. It really made me feel like I couldn't ever raise any complaints or like I was making ridiculous demands on him when I was just asking him to drive me to school or stop creating emotionally abusive cults online. Needless to say, we had a complicated relationship, but it's been rough. I just lost my job, and I keep wanting to ask my roommate to pay her share of the rent but I'm afraid she'll just be like "Sorry, I'm not perfect!" and then get me evicted somehow. I'm not really sure what to do. When someone brings up something that I do that bothers them, I've started trying to just really listen to them and be responsive instead of just screaming "Sorry, I'm not perfect" and punching them in the face. It's been difficult. That phrase just brings up a lot of different feelings. Talking about it helps though. Thanks for listening.

today's query

If you could be any (earth-dwelling, non-fiction) animal in the megaverse, what animal would you be and why?

This is a theoretical question, so for this post (and this post only) you should assume that humans have the ability to transform into animals.

Note: As per usual, I am not going to answer this question myself or respond to any of your comments, because this is my ME time, and I'm not campaigning for cash right now. But if you enjoyed this enthralling question please keep it in my mind when you go to donate.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

bah your hate blogs

[ETA: Content Note]*

I am tired, nay fucking exhausted, to the fuckbillionth degree, of stalkers who read this blog and then have negative things to say about it.

Hate blogs are monolithic. If I disagree with one thing said by one hater, then this makes all haters misogynist, complainy crymonkeys.

So, let me just say this once to all of you. Instead of trying to incite a RIOT--on hate blogs that clearly aren't even directed TO me since I have publicly said that I don't read them--why don't you leave your house and DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR TIME FFS!?!?!?!?!?

If you don't like what I have to say then ignore it. This is what I do Every. Damn. Day. when I DON'T post about and quote all the people with whom I disagree. If you think someone is harming other people, you should just shut up about it. That's what I always say.

I mean, seriously, this blog harmed you? You must have serious problems then because we all know that words and online relationships can't actually cause you to harm yourself, which is why I always  post trigger warnings at the beginning of posts and obsessively delete comments that I deem dangerous to the protected space.

So yeah, sorry I'm not fucking perfect. But your complaints are all cut from the same anti-woman trashcloth. Since the beginning of mantime, people have accused women of harming others. So you can sit there and say that I'm  harming others all you want, but just know that you're a fucking misogynist for saying it. If I was a dude, you would all be like "Manipulating and emotionally abusing commenters? LOLWEVS." Additionally, the widespread stereotype of women as cult leaders is a garbage sexist trope. Just think of all the famous female "cult" leaders you know. Andplusfuckalso, if it's a stereotype, it can never be true.

Quit it out.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

social justice points drive

Here's the reminder for those who have requested it.* This blog doesn't run on cocktail forks or your mindless devotion or your being completely, unquestioningly in.

I don't say this to guilt you or suggest that you should give me your last child support dollars (though to my knowledge neither I nor Saul the Potato have ever denounced his once insinuating that you should).

In all honesty it goes against my nature to ask for money. However, I made the choice to blog full-time. You have made the choice to consume my full-time work. Therefore, you owe me money. One doesn't have to be a logician or live inside Ockham's plaid underpants to realize that you are indebted to me.

This blog is basically like a newspaper, for which most people still pay subscriptions, amiright, except that I take all letters to the editor and ceremoniously burn them in effigy to Mesus each night while cackling and plotting how I will next convince myself that I am not emotionally abusing my readership. Thus, my work has value. And, listen, it is unfortunate that this kind of work isn't more highly valued and that most bloggers have to put extra work or creativity into generating income from their blogs. But fuck that. I don't need to take time away from quadruple posting things on twitter and my blog and my trash blog and posting youtube videos that you can find on your own due to the magic of google. Failing to hold the blog hostage to your donations is anti-justice.

That said, it's your choice to pay your tab or not. I am not asking anyone to struggle on behalf of this blog anymore than my husband (whose salary is more or less searchable) and I should have to make ourselves fucking homeless in order to keep running this blog from a pile of garbage in a landfill where it is always fuckwintercunttornadoshitland.

So yeah, if you enjoy the content and if you "can," then please be completely unquestioningly in...with your finances.

This is also the post where I will be super responsive and uncharacteristically kind to all commenters, so enjoy!


*Although requests for me to do more work (logic dictates that you likely have a calendar where you can set up your own reminders) are normally viewed as unwelcome demands I am going to go ahead and do you this favor on this one out of my own kindness.

Monday, February 17, 2014

you are so reading right now the worst thing you are ever going to read ever

"A situation in which people admire and care about something or someone very much or too much; a small group of very devoted supporters or fans." --The authors of Merriam-Webster Shitionary on the definition of a cult, written in spite of their not being experts on anything and having never visited my blog

I take serious issue with this cuntionary's insultuous supposition that this blog is a cult simply because I have the consummate BOLDNESS to assert myself as a fucking human being. I've said it before and I will say it again and again until the world begins to get it: Fuck you, dictionary. Words might have definitions, but you are not the author of them, Merriam-Fuckster.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

a very valentiney shakestown

Contrary to popular garbage belief, I do have a heart.
Enjoy and send to all of your garbage friends!
Larger images after the jumpity jump...

Friday, February 7, 2014

Completely Unquestioningly In Means COMPLETELY UNQUESTIONINGLY IN

Written by Apple Bean, Jesus Rhino, Amy Cabbagepatch, Cheeky, Clone1, Clone2, and Those Other Guys

It has been a full week now since our fair mistress of fuck forest posted that she has been feeling overwhelmed.

We--the humble servants and members of Shakestown's inner circle, who exist and write to you but by the grace and generosity of our kind and self-sacrificing commander--wish to draw your attention to what we recognize to be an increasingly, enormously, remarkably, extraordinarily, alltheadverbsly disturbing trend that has been going on in Shakesnation, a trend that is harmful both to our own Shakessociety and to its most crucial, indispensable center, to such an extreme extent that it can only be expressed through unnecessarily long sentences with multiple clauses.

This community exists and is sustained solely through the milk it thanklessly sucks from Judy's tireless feminist teat; she has changed your diapers, soothed your rashes, spent your child support checks, and set her cocktail fork down long enough to burp you when needed. In return you have VOMITED on her.

Vomited on her.

The trend that we have dutifully observed is as follows:

Step 1: Judy sets the rules and tone of the blog. She sets her own hours. She takes responsibility for keeping herself safe and sets healthy emotional boundaries like any good adult so that she does not take positive appreciation, well-meaning suggestions, or good-hearted interest from the community as attacks on herself or demands of her that she need pay any mind. If commenters do make demands of her then she responds calmly with the recognition that no one can make any demands of her but herself, and maybe perhaps people with whom she has intimate relationships, and of course people with loaded guns, and so she does not view these demands as threatening. She sets clear boundaries, states her perspective, and holds people accountable for their words/actions without emotionally abusing them. She differentiates between her own issues and what other people are doing/thinking/feeling.

Step 2: Judy does not do any of the above.

Step 3: The community wonders why they are being given the silent treatment, why they are being blamed for inability to mind-read or being held to unreasonable standards such as already knowing that mom wanted her whiskey with one ice cube not two or that one should respond to a comment buried in a super long comment thread on a random post back when people used to post there and/or knowing that one should (/should not) email Judy with appreciation, concern, and offers to bake her cakes which are all obviously signs of unreasonable demands/not caring/caring too much.

Step 4: Judy gets over her huff and returns.

This is unacceptable. The bravery with which Judy continues to return and endure your serious ineptitude at commenting on a blog and your awful inability to discern how to properly belong to an imaginary community is laudable and unfathomable.

Although we have been clear that this is Judy's space, it is crucial, necessary, essential, and imperative that each and every one of us take responsibility for ensuring the emotional health and safety of the community and our commander herself. You can accomplish this by doing the following:

1) Think about the keys you are pressing. Don't just asldkjfalksdjflsdj like you have been.

2) Words have definitions. Learn them. Use them wisely.

3) Anticipate our blog commander's emotional needs. Act accordingly.

4) When you mess up, apologize because you should have known better.

5) Don't apologize, just do better.

6) Let Judy know you care and appreciate her.

7) Do not let Judy know you care and appreciate her; it's overwhelming.

8) Ockham's plaid underpants.

9) Pledge to be completely, unquestioningly in. Be completely, unquestioningly in.

Completely, unquestioningly in (CUI),

All of us